How Emotional Infidelity Can Ruin a Texas Marriage

How Emotional Infidelity Can Ruin a Texas Marriage

Infidelity is devastating. It can completely destroy a marriage. Emotional affairs in particular, can deeply hurt a spouse. They can damage trust, self-esteem, and the ability to be vulnerable with your partner. Here’s how an emotional affair can ruin a Texas marriage, and what to do if you’re facing infidelity.

What is Emotional Infidelity?

Emotional infidelity is when a married person shares emotional intimacy and connection with someone outside the marriage. There may not be any physical intimacy, but the emotional bond crosses boundaries of what most would consider appropriate for a married person. It may start innocently as friends, but evolves into the married person confiding in, sharing dreams with, flirting with, and gaining emotional fulfillment from the outside person.

This emotional betrayal can be devastating for the spouse who is cheated on. The marriage vows have been broken. Intimacy that should have been reserved for the spouse is now shared with another. Emotional needs that should have been met inside the marriage have now gone outside. This damages the foundation of trust, respect, and commitment that a marriage is built upon.

How Emotional Affairs Start

Emotional affairs frequently start innocently enough. A married person may meet a new friend at work, church, the gym, or through a hobby. They start spending time together and conversing more. The relationship progresses to sharing intimate details about hopes, dreams, and disappointments. Flirtation often occurs. The married person feels understood, validated, and connected to the new friend in a way that they no longer feel with their spouse. Over time, the emotional affair can cross the line into physical intimacy as well.

Signs Your Spouse is Having an Emotional Affair

If you suspect your spouse may be having an inappropriate emotional attachment, here are some signs to look out for:

• They are frequently texting, calling, emailing someone new
• They mention the new person frequently
• They seem to brighten up when communicating with the person
• They are withdrawn and distant from you
• They have decreased intimacy with you
• They seem to be keeping secrets
• They become defensive if you ask about the person
• They delete texts, emails, or calls from the person
• They lie about time spent with the person
• They dress up more for work or social engagements

Trust your instincts. Even if you don’t have hard evidence, unexplained changes in behavior could indicate an emotional attachment.

Why Emotional Affairs Are So Damaging

Finding out your spouse is having an emotional affair can be just as devastating as a physical affair. Here’s why:

• It breaks trust. Vows have been broken and intimacy shared outside the marriage.
• It causes self-doubt. The spouse wonders “Why wasn’t I enough?”
• It impacts self-esteem. The cheating makes the spouse feel inadequate.
• It creates uncertainty about the future. Can the marriage recover?
• It causes anger and bitterness. The spouse feels betrayed.
• It divides family and friends. They may take sides.
• It consumes thoughts. Obsessing about details of the affair.
• It changes the relationship. Emotional distance replaces closeness.

The emotional fallout of an affair can haunt a marriage for years. The trust that is lost is extremely difficult to rebuild.

Why Do People Have Emotional Affairs?

There are a variety of reasons why married people end up being unfaithful emotionally:

• Feeling neglected – Seeking emotional intimacy lacking in the marriage
• Boredom – Craving excitement that affair provides
• Lack of boundaries – Inappropriate friendships form
• Unresolved conflicts – Using affair as an escape
• Fear of aging – Affair makes them feel young again
• Damaged self-esteem – Affair gives a feeling of desirability
• Addiction – Can’t give up the high of the affair

Regardless of the reasons, having an emotional affair is a selfish choice that deeply hurts the spouse.

Confronting an Emotional Affair

Discovering a spouse’s emotional infidelity usually comes as a shock. Many initial reactions can include rage, numbness, fear, and profound grief. But it is important not to react immediately. Take time to process the information and consider how to confront your spouse:

• Gather evidence of the affair – texts, emails, photos, dates/times of meetings, etc.
• Consider timing – when you are both calm and have privacy.
• Decide what you want – end of affair? Divorce? Rebuilding trust?
• Have specific examples of inappropriate behavior ready.
• Avoid accusations. Use “I feel…” statements.
• Request complete honesty. Lies will undermine rebuilding.
• Be prepared for defensiveness and blame-shifting.
• Discuss getting professional help if the marriage is to heal.

Confronting infidelity is difficult. Having a plan helps you communicate clearly and directly about how the affair has impacted you and what you need from your spouse to recover.

Can Emotional Affairs Be Prevented?

Preventing affairs requires self-awareness and discipline for both spouses. Here are some tips:

• Discuss and agree on emotional intimacy boundaries with friends.
• Don’t share personal information about marriage with others.
• Nurture intimacy and connection in your marriage.
• If you feel an attraction, distance yourself immediately.
• Transparency about relationships and activities.
• Put your spouse before children, careers, hobbies.
• Deal with conflicts directly rather than escaping.
• Don’t flirt with others if you are married.

Setting these kinds of ground rules and priorities early in a marriage can help prevent affairs down the road.

Can a Marriage Survive Emotional Infidelity?

Yes, it is possible for a marriage to recover after an emotional affair, but it takes tremendous work. Both spouses must be committed to rebuilding trust and intimacy. These steps are essential:

• The unfaithful spouse must end all contact with the affair partner.
• The unfaithful spouse must be completely transparent about activities and whereabouts.
• The couple should seek counseling to understand why the affair occurred.
• The unfaithful spouse must demonstrate understanding of the pain the affair caused.
• The betrayed spouse must work on forgiveness.
• The couple should reconnect emotionally and physically.
• The marriage should be a priority – no outside interference.
• Affair triggers like poor boundaries should be addressed.
• Communication and conflict resolution skills should improve.

It takes two committed partners to do this difficult work of rebuilding a marriage damaged by emotional infidelity. Even with counseling and effort, some couples are unable to regain the lost trust. Each couple has to determine if the marriage is worth saving.

How Texas Divorce Laws Address Adultery

In Texas, adultery can impact a divorce in several ways:

• Property Division – Texas is a “community property” state. All assets and debts acquired during the marriage are divided equally. However, the court can award a greater share to the innocent spouse if funds were used on an affair.
• Alimony – Texas has limited alimony. But a court may order higher spousal support if adultery lowered the income of the innocent spouse.